HealthCare.gov Fixed: Now Smoothly Hiking Premiums
Website glitches like this are a thing of the past, now that President Obama’s tech surge has fixed HealthCare.gov so that customers can rapidly find out how much more their coverage will cost.
(2013-12-01) — After getting off to an admittedly-rocky start, according to White House officials, the ObamaCare website now operates as designed, smoothly doubling and even quadrupling premiums and jacking up deductibles at broadband speeds.
“Mission Accomplished,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president commanded the tech surge that dealt with dozens of bugs, and hit his target date. So now Americans won’t be hindered by glitches from getting exactly what he believes they’ve got coming to them.”
Positive public reaction was nearly immediate, with expressions of gratitude and congratulations flooding in from NPR, MSNBC, CNN and other Americans who had grown concerned about the impact of the website problems on the president’s popularity.
Al Gore Goes Vegan, Halts Global Climate Change
Newly-vegan, Al Gore recalls the sensation of snacking on a pair of corn-fed beef shanks.
(2013-11-27) — Former Vice President Al Gore’s decision to become a vegan because of the impact of meat production on global climate change has apparently worked, according to scientists at the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom.
“Recently, we have observed massive growth of Antarctic sea ice,” said an unnamed climate researcher, “and the decades-long warming trend has stalled, or perhaps reversed itself. Until now, we assumed these were part of ordinary solar or jet stream cycles, but the news that Al Gore has stopped eating meat fully accounts for these observational phenomena.”
An international incident was touched off yesterday in Johannesburg, South Africa, when a goodwill appearance by President Obama was interrupted by an impromptu funeral.
Mr. Obama was generously posing for souvenir pictures of himself with fawning admirers at the FNB Stadium (Soccer City), when security people rolled in Nelson Mandela’s casket and demanded to have a memorial service. When questioned as to why they were disrupting Mr. Obama’s appearance, the security men offered no explanation aside from “we reserved the stadium last week for this.”
“This kind of thing is a constant problem for Mr. Obama” said one of his staff. “Everyone wants to bask in his sunshine, even the deceased.”
“Then again, it’s not surprising that the life-challenged are attracted to him as he was a fierce advocate for voting rights for the dead when he lived in Chicago.”