Parker brothers just decided they will switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency in order to save on printing costs.

Arkansas wildlife officials couldn’t explain Sunday why hundreds of blackbirds fell out of the sky that morning and crashed to the ground dead. The federal government leaped right into action. The TSA just announced it’s going to start screening chicken eggs.

The outgoing chaplain prayed for Congress to promote welfare and social justice for all. The next day the Republicans recited the Constitution in rebuttal.

Arizona lawmakers called Wednesday for completion of the border fence. We just built a four-hundred-mile-long fence along the two-thousand-mile-long border. It shows the U.S. government can’t even build a fence without running up a sixteen hundred mile deficit.

2010 statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3