Obama’s Firearms for Felons: New Gun Redistribution Program

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Remember the smashing success of Cash for Clunkers? No? Never mind. This time, with the right people in charge, the government will succeed flawlessly – under budget and ahead of schedule.

That’s right, I’m talking about Obama’s Firearms for Felons! What better way to get guns out of the hands of Americans who should never have been allowed to have them in the first place? That sentimental nonsense in the Constitution about the right to bear arms was written way back then; Firearms for Felons is a program for the 21st century!

It’s very simple – even someone who clings bitterly to his guns and religion could understand it. You take a gun that you paid several hundred dollars for but were denied access to until your background check cleared (sorry about those times the computer was down and you couldn’t get your gun, but every now and then even the government doesn’t quite come through on time). You go to a Firearms for Felons receiving center near you, which you can find on the BATFE website.

You receive fully $25 for your firearm, which you shouldn’t have, and – voilà! – another gun has been removed from the general populace and our streets have been made safer, as if by magic.
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Then a highly trained ATF agent, who is more competent to possess a firearm than you are, searches a database of known criminals – say, a drug dealer or a human trafficker. He then sells your gun to the criminal for a profit, which helps reduce the national debt. In result, not only are the streets safer, but the government is richer so it can finance even more similarly enlightened programs.

Listen to these testimonials from happy customers…

“I’ve been trafficking immigrants for years; anybody in my business knows it’s just not safe to go unarmed. Thanks to Obama and Firearms for Felons, I and my fellow coyotes now travel with rugged, reliable AKs that we couldn’t afford before. Thank you, ATF!”
– “Juan”, Reynosa

“It’s hard to make a living when Border Patrol agents keep interfering with your home-based pharmaceutical trade. Because of President Obama’s Firearms for Felons, we’re armed and business is booming. I wouldn’t be the success I am today without the ATF.”
– “Julio”, Juarez

“Because of Firearms for Felons, I was able to increase my income just by shooting some of my neighbors and threatening to shoot some of my other neighbors’ children. Thanks to the ATF, everybody’s terrified of me.”
– “Raul”, Los Corrales

And there are many, many more. You see, because of Firearms for Felons…

  • Citizens like you who shouldn’t own guns are relieved of them
  • Our streets are made safer for the Children™
  • The Government gets more money (and there’s NEVER enough money for the Government)
  • Entrepreneurs in developing countries have a chance to come up in the world

You see? It’s a win-win situation all around because it’s a Government Program! C’mon, get on board. Get rid of that firearm today and let the ATF find someone who can put it to a better use.