TSA Expands FOR THE PEOPLE!

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TSA searches and gropings aren’t just for airports anymore – the Department of Homeland Security’s popular Transportation Security Administration branch, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Obama Administration, is now reaching more deeply into briefs, panties, and bras across the USSA, in order to keep Americans safe.

Brad “Fingers” Wolicke, a TSA employee since the agency was first created, told us that “We at TSA have an important job to do – much too important to limit to just airport screenings. There are people with clothes on everywhere in America, and it’s up to us – the TSA – to make sure that it’s Safe out there”.

Mr. Wolicke said that the TSA is expanding its operations due to the ever-increasing Threat of Terrorism™ on American highways, in bars, in haberdasheries, and even in (a shock to this reporter) swimming pools in America’s hotels.

“Yeah, our fingers are trained to a high level of sensitivity,” stated Senior TSA agent Berta “Liftemup” Dykenstrouse. “We can feel things in there that you’d never even suspect could possibly be a bomb or an incendiary device”. Berta winked playfully at an AP team member volunteer even as he twitched repeatedly in reaction to her fashionable blue gloves and sensitive, lingering touch.

“The thing is, them terrorists can be in beauty salons, hamburger joints, at gas stations – you name it, and the TSA will soon be there!” said Agent Wolicke as he snapped his glove and clicked his heels together jauntily.

I feel safer already. Don’t you?