A new study has shown that teens who smoke marijuana can suffer permanent brain damage, including a lifelong legacy of lowered IQ, reduced memory, and a lack of motivation.

Fortunately, this doesn’t happen after just a puff or two. Instead, the devastating damage seems limited to those who have had heavy and prolonged use…like Barry “Choom Gang” Soetoro, who now calls himself Barack Hussein Obama because the name gives him the giggles when he tries to say it out loud.

Just how “heavy and prolonged” was young Barry’s marijuana use? By his own admission, he used it (and other drugs) “enthusiastically.” He and his friends had a VW van they called the “Choom wagon” in which they smoked their dope with the windows rolled up so none of the smoke could get away, and young Barry invented “Roof Hits” – a process of actually sucking the residual smoke off the van’s ceiling.

Moreover, in his High School yearbook the future president chose not to give thanks to his own mother… but did give thanks to Ray, his drug dealer, for “all the good times.”

Still, if Barack Obama had permanently damaged his brain, it would surely show up in his IQ tests, medical reports, and college grades. But we can’t really go by those because the president has had them all sealed to hide…um…something. So let’s look at the other symptoms of a weed-wrecked brain.

Lowered IQ? Well, we know that he can’t do even the simple math it would take to balance a checkbook (and there are reports that he can’t even reliably do the “count on your fingers” math involved in keeping track of his strokes on the golf course – usually arriving at a lower figure than his opponents computed). Additionally, he can only speak eloquently when reading words that someone else has written…and even that won’t work unless the words are scrolling slowly in front of his eyes on a teleprompter. And finally, the Constitution of the United States is only 4 pages long but Obama still can’t understand it.

Memory Impairment? The Choomer-in-Chief can’t remember how many states there are (57 being his most recent guess), he can’t remember who America’s allies are, and he can’t remember that Marxist redistribution of wealth has already been tried by other countries and that it fails spectacularly every time. And when the United States learned where Osama bin Laden was hiding, it apparently took the president months to remember where his testicles were.

Well then, how about Motivation? Surely the president of the United States must be motivated, right? Otherwise, he’d do something like promise to lower the deficit by half…but never get around to it. Or swear he’d close Guantanamo Bay but, you know, not today exactly, but sometime soon. Or maybe he’d dedicate himself to putting a “laser-like focus” on returning jobs to the economy, right after he plays a few dozen rounds of golf and maybe has some vacations in tropical getaways and then sucks a little pakalolo smoke off the ceiling of his rad new black bus. Dude, it’s awesome!!!

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yes, the pot-head president!

Frankly, when we weigh all the evidence we think permanent brain damage from enthusiastic drug use is not only the most likely explanation for Barack Obama’s behavior…it’s by far the most charitable one.

“Mitt, Mitt, Mitt! Like a baseball glove, you know? Mitt? Bwah-ha-ha!”