As we celebrate our narrow escape from the Mayan-Republican Apocalypse of December 21, 2012, the American media is living up to its reputation as the people’s fearless truth-teller, by correctly attributing our miraculous collective salvation to Barack Obama. The consensus among the media experts and celebrities can be best expressed by this unbiased quote from CNN: “If you don’t think Obama is god, you’re just stupid.”

According to an ancient prophecy, the Mayan calendar would end on 12/21/2012 with a big comet (or other large-caliber assault weapon that the NRA protects from government control) falling off a physical cliff and striking the United States in karmic retaliation for Bush’s tax cuts and suppression of undocumented Mayan voters in swing states. Some experts estimated that, in addition to total death and destruction, this could result in the loss of all accrued Social Security benefits and free government-mandated health care, as well as a severe climate change as the planet would burn to a crisp.
As the dreaded date approached, the media downplayed the Doomsday prediction as some authentic New Age gibberish propagated by people using medical marijuana for non-medicinal purposes. Such moral and intellectual guidance helped to stave off panic among the middle class working families, which could lead to a scarcity of wait staff at bistros that media personalities patronize. Privately, however, they realized that the prophecy was true and that we were all doomed.

Suddenly, as if by magic, all top-shelf, professional, state-accredited journalists across the nation knew the truth: the reason for both nothings were the actions of president Obama.

As skeptics and other racists predictably question Obama’s divine intervention, the media’s answer to their conspiracy theories is clear: it’s December 22nd and we are all here, aren’t we? The world, including GM, is still alive – and Bin Laden is still deader than the majority of Chicago voters. What more proof do you need?

The fact that Obama single-handedly delivered us from the eternal abyss is consistent with his prior unprecedented accomplishments.

In the past four years, Barack Obama repeatedly saved the U.S. economy just by being himself – not to mention his generous spending of trillions of dollars in virtual public money on unsustainable energy projects, Chinese contractors, Finnish automakers, Brazilian oil rigs, Mexican drug cartels, Arab Spring rebels, and international labor unions – as well as multi-million dollar vacations at taxpayer expense in Spain, Hawaii, and other economic disaster areas.

Obviously, if Bush were still president, the world would have ended on December 22nd and nothing could have saved humanity from certain ruin.