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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an early morning press conference with handpicked MSNBC reporters, President Obama privately announced reaching a deal between the U.S. and the People’s Republic of China, which will allow the Chinese Special Operations, an elite military unit, to guard the interior vaults containing the gold in Fort Knox, the U.S. bullion depository.

"We as a nation owe China a whole lot of money," stated the President, "and I’m glad we finally found an amicable way to resolve issues with Chinese leaders who no longer trust us with our money. Placing our gold reserve under Chinese supervision will benefit both our nations and I’m confident it will flower into a beautiful friendship, let alone improve our financial well-being."